Brief-Quakes aka Quaker Briefs!

TIRED OF THOSE EARTHQUAKES RUINING YOUR UNDERQUAKES?

Well.  Have we got the underwear for YOU!

Are you SICK and TIRED of Earthquakes ruining your pants or underpants?  I mean, WHO ISN’T?  Not only do you have to go and rebuild your entire community, but now your pants and your underpants have been quaked to the ground!  Earthquakes ruin E V E R Y T H I N G!

Well, not anymore.  When everything is falling down around you, look to:

BREIFQUAKES!

That’s right briefquakes.  Because this is one layer of protection that won’t be falling to your feet.  Not with briefquakes.

Briefquakes uses SEISMIC RESISTANT safety bands that go over your shoulders AND under your feet.  Now I you can call that quadruple strapped protection.

Briefquakes also use a lighter material than most underwear.  Your average jockey pair of hum-drum, lazy underwear is made of COTTON, and it falls RIGHT TO THE GROOUUND.

Man, get that cotton underwear off the ground!

But our scientists at Safe-Tar labs have designed a new material that will stay with you no matter what the natural disaster.  The brand new, light material that we’ve designed is completely new, and completely environmentally sound.  Briefquakes new light, soft and absorbant material is as soft and as feathery as human hair.  Because it’s made of human hair!

Hairy Rarey Pair a’ Underweary!  That’s some briefs!

Not only have we reinforced the underwear on the tip top and base of your body, we have reinforced it diagonally with new Safe-Tar Breifquake Hand straps!

That UNDERWEAR ain’t goin NOWHERE!!!

And to really ensure that those briefs don’t be a comin’ down the mountain, we’ve done AWAY with FLAPS.  We’ve replaced them with horizontally installed panels.  So open the doors and get through your drawers!

SO COME ON, EVERYBODY!  Jump on board the boogaloo and suited up with Briefquakes!!!

Now you can keep that flag a waving with no chance of that cord springing loose!

Only $299.99 for low rise briefquakes, and $499.99 for midway briefquakes.

Innovation

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted, but there have been many changes, innovations in my life.  Number one being this one:

I do not work at Victoria’s Secret any longer.

But don’t dismay.  My passion for underwear still burns strong, even if my employment at Limited Brands has gone… limp.  I still wonder and dream at the amount of styles, shapes, etc, etc… Let’s face it, you can only wax poetic on underwear for so long.

Many of you wonder, how did I lose my employment at Victoria’s Secret?  Did I get fired for losing my cool in front of a customer that wanted my opinion on which three for 25 lacey panties she should buy?  Did I forget to list off the dozens of amazing sales on over-priced ladies unmentionables.

By the way, I failed, I wanted to get this one in before midnight.  Failed.  So.  I suppose the real new year’s resolution starts on the… 16th of January.  Maybe I  should have waited a day, like on the 17th.  Cause that’s my birthday.  In July that is.  Put a stickie on that!

Did I make an unnerved customer uncomfortable by arranging and organizing panties on the sale table with my sweaty hands?  Or did I simply put off my employer by coming in late.  No.  I got a new job, at one of the most magical places on earth.  Winter Wonderfest at Navy Pier.  If any of you have visited this place, you will know and agree, it is filled with more blow up slides/obstacle courses, christmas trees, fake snow, and amusement rides than you know what to do with.  However, that is just a taste of my employment there, I won’t go into detail about the magical and many times frustrated parents who didn’t get their picture taken in this blog.  I will stick to underwear.  Until it gets old.

For example, in the strictly Men’s underwear line, there is the new Jockey’s 3D Innovations Men’s underwear.

That’s right.  Straight from the Avatar line of underwear, Jockey’s got 3D underwear, for men who really want their junk to pop out.  In order to design this new line of underwear, Jockey analyzed and SCANNED over 6,000 men’s bodies.  And from the stacks of information on how men of different shapes and sizes move, they created an underwear that stretches 8, count ‘em EIGHT different ways.  It truly moves and fits to the contours of the man’s ass and ball area, allowing maximum movement, and yet, constant connection.

Made from the scientifically mind-blowing material: COTTON.

That’s right, cotton.  Here behind the scenes of all these fantastical products that rip you off.

Because one pair of underwear, specifically Low-rise briefs cause that’s what I’m interested in, is $26.95.

The midway briefs are $36.95.  Thank god I’m not shy.

Think on that!  Oh, and remember to keep your pants off the ground.  They’re expensive.  And there’s probably cotton in their somewhere.

Thankfulness

What am I thankful for?

If you expected a panty themed answer you’d be wrong.  Panties are furthest from what I’m thankful for.  I mean, when you go to a grocery store, and you by a pound of honeybaked ham wrapped in paper and a string, do you eat the paper and the string?  Of course not.  When it is Christmas morning, and you unwrap that brand new PS4 you always wanted, do you take the box and paper, and play with it for hours in your room by yourself, or maybe invite your friends over, and say, “Hey!  want to play with my wrapping paper?”  No, of course not.  And if your wife took out a bag from Victoria’s secret, and showed you the new teddy she bought, just for you, would you take it from her, run out of the room and make love to the fabric?  No.

Therefore, I am not thankful for underwear.  I am however, thankful for The Roots.  The writers of the Jimmy Fallon Show.  New shoelaces.  Muppet movies.  Deep dish pizza.   Charlie’s Angels.  The city of Chicago.  Beer. The letter P.  The Renaissance.  Window shades.  Couches.  Socks.  Medicine Balls.  Cuckoo Clocks.  Music.  Pepsi.  Wild Cherry Pepsi.  Pomegranates.  Business Cards.  Buddism.  Tissue.  Picture Frames.  Nature.  Peacocks.  Koalas.  The car engine.  Electricty – the Tesla kind.  Hardwood Floors.  Candles.  South Park.  Russia.  Vegan Milkshakes.  Regular Milkshakes.  Bridges.  Speakers.  Tubas. Sign Language.  Boobs.  T-Shirts.  Underwear.  Apple computers.  Free days at Museums.  and of course, my friends.

And underwear.  I am thankful for underwear.  In general though, not for sexiness sake.  And it is nice to have a present wrapped rather than just say, “Here.  I got you this card, knock yourself out.”

I’m also thankful for you.

WHAT UP.

~Me.

Vacation

It’s taken a little time.  But I can finally stop thinking about panties.

For a while, it was very very bad.  I’d get off of work and I’d immediately start thinking about panties, I mean that’s all I could think about.  not just panties.  But bras too.  Every day, I’d leave work and go out into the streets, my mind ridden with bras and panties, I would go to improv, and every suggestion would be panties, I would go into an interview, “What do you like to do in your spare time?  Do you have any ambitions outside of work?”  Oh, just panties.  I mean, to be an actor.  Not panties.  Panties.  Panties.

I have been on a little vacation for two days.  As a temporary employee I don’t work every single day at Victoria’s Secret.  You know, sometimes I miss my old job.  Especially considering how little I get paid here.  Honestly, I think all underwear employees need to start a union.  Yeah!  A Panties Workers Union!  Kind of like a Clifford Odets play, but for a modern age filled with workers who spend restless days working endlessly over boxes of panties and bras.  Clipping, Pushing, Fitting into drawers and shamelessly pushing high quality top of the line panties  regarding fit and comfort.

I love bras.  And panties.  I love working at a store that sells both those things.  But a man cannot live on bras and panties alone.  He needs money, too.

Sigh, all that not being said, I love my work.  I take pride in it.  Every morning that I work there, I know it twill be a good morning.  Call me old fashioned, but it’s the kind of work that fills this balloon i call my chest up with some hot air called pride.

My father sat me on his knee, years ago, when I was only a young cub scout.  He said to me, “Son, one day you’ll get a part time job working at store where there are lots of hot women.  Like a Marshalls, or Nordstrom.  Hell, believe me or don’t believe me, but when I was your age, I wanted to be a towel boy for women’s vollyball team…  Son, when you get that job…  Hold on tight…   It won’t be enough to pay the high speed internet bills, or fund your craving for Belgium waffles covered in nutella, you may only be able to pay the rent with it, but HOLD on, boy…  you hear me?”

“Yes, Papa…”

“That’s a good boy…  Now run along and finish practicing those knots…”

I’ll never forget my father’s words…  And I’ll always cherish my employment at a store that sells panties, bras, perfume sprays, and lotions…

HI! WELCOME TO VICTORIA’S SECRET!!!

I recieved a note from my manager on the first day I worked the floor. I had been working the register all day, and had just learned the “Phrases that Pay.”  These I try out on every single customer as they walk into the store.  I make sure I’m detailed and specific about each section.  Like a monologue!  That’s it!  Just like Paul Meier taught me, make sure each item in the list has greater meaning with a different tone.  (He didn’t mean louder, just more meaningful.  I forgot that.)

At the end of the day, my Manager:

“Hey Team~ Great job today.  We sold a lot of bras and panties, and each we were green on each segment, the crazynicefit bras were a little low, so we need to push those a little bit.  Vero?  Can you cover the Cash Wrap?  Jonathan?  Can you come to the back for a second?”

The back room.

“Hey Jonathan~  Great job today.  You did really well and I noticed you were adding on items to purchase, like the men’s cologne!  A note.  You’re being too intense when you talk to the customers, it sounds like you’re speaking to a crowd of people when they walk in, when there’s only just one.  Also, this is a very INTIMATE store, so you don’t need to greet every customer.  Customers are already surprised that a guy is working here, so you need to be gentle.  So, great job~ you’re moving them to the back of the store, but mainly because you’re scaring the shit out of them, you don’t need to do that, since we want to sell what’s in the front of the store too.  So, keep doing what you’re doing~ just don’t try to reach the people riding the escalator with news about who enters, leaves, and what promotions we’re having.  Great!”

A customer enters now, and I say, A. Nothing.

B. hi! (lowercase)

C. Welcome! (or maybe morning)

or if i’m bold, D. Welcome to Victoria’s Secret.  but I still get weird looks.  It’s a test in relaxation it is.

I don’t say,

E. HI!  WELCOME TO VICTORIA’S SECRET- WE HAVE OUR 7 FOR 25 PANTIES, LAST DAY TODAY, UNLESS YOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE COUPONS WE SENT IN THE MAIL, OR IF YOU PURCHASE A LIGHT RED PRODUCT YOU CAN PURCHASE A T-SHIRT FOR HALF A BUCK, A GREAT DEAL SINCE IT’S NORMALLY FIFTY DOLLARS, (ONLY COMES IN THAT JEWELED GREEN THOUGH); HEY, IN OUR NOTIONS AND LOTIONS SECTION, IF YOU BUY A FULL CASE OF EAU DE PERFUME YOU CAN GET A BODY BUTTER IN THE SAME SCENT FOR FREE!  WHAT STYLE OF BRA DO YOU WEAR?  IF YOU PURCHASE A BODYFIT, WE’LL THROW IN A FREE PANTIE!  THEY GROW GREAT TOGETHER!  DID I SAY GROW?  WHAT A GOOD GOOF I AM! WELL, TAKE A SHOPPING BAG AND ASK ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING?  NEED ANYTHING?  JUST KIDDING!  AAAH~ I’LL BE IN THE FRONT!!!

Products = Babies = Money = Success = Fame = My Name

These are some ideas…  for product lines…  I may be proposing these tomorrow/today at work, cause I work for 12 something hours…

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Some of my ideas have to do exclusively with products that could be sold in our store.  I’m going to shoot ‘em out there like a shot gun blast, one at a time.

Lacey Handkerchiefs.

Men’s Handkerchiefs.

Fancy Lacey Umbrellas.

Fancy Solid umbrellas with ivory handles.

Pink-colored cleaning supplies.   – Now you’re whole house can look and smell beautiful.  Headline: Cleaning is sexy again…

Underwear Pens.

Color Me Cotton Panties.

Unravel me Lingerie.

Extremely Sexy Heavy Duty Pepper Spray.  For a scent that says, NOOO!

Sexy Sexy Toilet Paper.

And here’s the real money maker.

Cherubim:  Lingerie for Babies

It’s time for our youngest generation to have a say on how they look.  Even if they can’t speak.  You don’t need to know baby talk to understand that when you crawl around half naked almost 100% of the time, you want to look and feel SEXY.

It’s the new line from The Underwear Store.  Cherubim.  Lingerie Diapers for Babies.

Cherubim comes in packages of 164, 180, 240, and 500.  So if Baby makes a poo poo in his doo doo, you won’t have to woo woo worry.  Just unclip, fold it up,and toss it away.  Don’t worry about the smell, each bag is filled with a heavy duty sensual scent.  So you might look forward to changing time.  Almost as much as baby.

It’s Sexy.  It’s Elegant.  It’s Cherubim.

_

I have a feeling it will go over well at work.

Manifestation #1

This happened today.

_

I was organizing panties on the lacey panty table and unpacking a shipment box just chock a full, and I ask this beautiful lady what she’s looking for.  And she says she’s looking for “one like this” and she points to a panty on the table with a one inch band of only lace, and then pulls out her panty from over her jean pant line to show me that their the same.  Oh, ok, I say.  I look for ones she’s talking about and their are several different styles so she asks if I woulden’t mind checking her tag for her.  So I pull the tag from the back of her panty and realize it’s a hiphugger.  I show her the hiphugger, and that the drawers underneath match the top of the table, and that they increase in size going down.  We find her size, and she leaves satisfied, then she goes try on a bra or something.

I go back to what I was doing, take a break, go into the bathroom, plug the sink, fill it with water, and dip my head in it for 2 minutes.

_

So no real freak out.  I played it cool.  I suppose this is the first manifestation of what my I really hope this job is about.  Being a SURGEON when it comes to panties.  The same woman tried on some bras and yelled out, “THIS WON’T EVEN FIT AROUND MY BOOBS!”  I don’t understand how women can talk so nonchalantly about boobs…